Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
