jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
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