How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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