i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
