i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
