We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
