I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
