My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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