I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
