Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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