a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
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Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
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Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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