Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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