How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
