Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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