I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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