he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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