He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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