Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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