he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Holy sore nipples Batman
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Randomize
