i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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