I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Randomize
