True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
