Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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