My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
