Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
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I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
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He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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