she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Mom said you looked used
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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