I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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