Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
