Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
