Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
