Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
