I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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