True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
