is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
