Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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