Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Last time i carry you out of a forest
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
