I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
