dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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