You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
