The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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