The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
