The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Randomize
