Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
