we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
