Michael Bay diarrhea
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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