She's JV to your varsity
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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