im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
