I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
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