He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Randomize
