is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
