Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
