I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
