It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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