Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
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Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
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Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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