Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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