it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
